Just a feeling...

Today for whatever reason I woke up with something inside of me feeling…. just a feeling. Feeling aware. Aware of the fragility of life, aware of me and aware of the reality of my capabilities and limitations. Truth staring me in the face. I have to accept the inevitable! It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I don’t know how to! I have to continue to learn. My first impulse was to call my friend and confidant Mae who has more wisdom than anyone I know. I didn’t. I contemplated calling my mother for a moment and decided not too. Donnie is home so I started to bare my soul to him but reconsidered. Then the phone rang and I could have shared my feelings with my trusted brother but again decided against it. No, not now I thought this is a time for God to reveal me to me. To lead me and guide me.

I’ve learned in recent years the reality of God. The words that He spoke when He walked on the earth are no longer promises that I cling to in times of trouble or uncertainty or even joy. I don’t have a need to put my eyes on words on a page to remind myself of His great faithfulness. I don’t rehearse words again and again to build my faith. In truth I don’t need faith anymore because now I know. It’s an overwhelming feeling inside of me to know the truth. To understand what is and is not possible. To admit to myself and others that I know God. He is not a mystery to me any longer. And I am grateful even though as I proclaim this truth my eyes are filled with tears and my throat has a lump in it. Paul’s words to the Hebrews has happened in me. I no longer need someone to teach me to know the Lord. I know Him.

I often think that perhaps the reason many continue in the path that they do is because there is a comfort in believing something outside of yourself greater than you is going to save you from whatever. There is solace in believing that everything happens for a reason regardless of behaviors or outcomes. It’s easier to believe God has some greater plan in mind that He has failed to allow us to know. It’s easier to do the same things repeatedly and ignore that the same results occur. It’s so much easier to default to one sentence in a book of words, “his ways and thoughts are higher than ours” and rely on them then acknowledge the truth. These beliefs are simply not true.

I saw a simple profound sentence yesterday that spoke volumes to me. “Life is difficult”. I considered the words and acknowledged their truth. Life is difficult. Then I began to question myself about why that seemed so profound to me it’s simple enough. As God inside of me began to reveal why. All I have to do is but ask and before I utter He answers me. The reason is, I believed all that stuff I just wrote about in the paragraph above. And because of it I believed my experience in life was supposed to be different. I wasn’t supposed to experience the hardships that unbelievers experience and the sufferings that I did experience regardless of cause were to perfect Christ in me. These lies and deceptions held me as a captive prisoner. A prisoner to a man to teach me, a prisoner to self imposed punishment for never achieving enough faith to change my circumstances and others and a prisoner to my own self-righteousness. The self-righteousness is probably the hardest part to come to terms with in hindsight. Taking sentences from the bible and using them as a skilled surgeon to keep my self-righteousness intact. I am not being self-deprecating nor humble. I am being honest not only for the purpose of exposing myself but that you might see yourself in my reflection. Liberty in Christ has afforded me transparency. I have nothing to hide.

I used to desire that truth felt differently. I liked the way I felt when I believed lies. Sad but true. There was a certain blissful state that I was taught to live in. Even when life was difficult I immediately told myself to think of my great reward in heaven. Instead of understanding I have the reward right now. Because He lives I live.

I’ve gained wisdom and perspective and understanding to the reality that each of us is making our own life choices. And each of us are living with the outcomes of those choices while residing in a world that we can not control regardless of prayer, hope and faith. The truth is life is difficult. I encourage you to make your choices thoughtfully, seriously and with sincerity. Interestingly enough the only one that we ever actually fool is ourselves.

The Stolen Years

I feel the need to say a few things upfront about this writing. First I realize that this writing might be met with some opposition. However my goal isn’t and never has been popularity. My mission is to share my understanding of truth as it is revealed to me for the purpose of  liberty for all. If I wanted to be popular I would be preaching somewhere or hosting seminars or even paying for my blog and facebook to reach a larger audience. Secondly my writings are not a commentary on all organizations or churches. But as they say, if the shoe fits, wear it. My writings are about my experiences and perhaps yours. Decide for yourselves.

Yesterday I had a revelation. It’s not the first time I was made aware of the impact this particular lie I believed had on my life, but in context it was made abundantly clear. I felt compelled to share.

While at a outdoor concert my husband turned to me with tears gleaming in his eyes grabbed my hand and said “I am so grateful that we have the opportunity do things like this now.” In that moment because we’ve shared 33 years together there was just a knowing. Knowing how far we’ve come, knowing what we’ve been through and knowing the liberty that we share together. I began to think about all the years. The good and bad. Some people believe that you don’t appreciate the good without the bad. I’m not sure about that but I do know that nearly 10 years were stolen. That’s what this writing is about. The stolen years. Some people believe when something is stolen from a christian it’s the devil. I’ll let you decide.  

For nearly 10 years my husband and I faithfully attended church. Every Sunday, every Wednesday. When the church grew we attended several services on Sunday which actually means all day. That was the expectation, the standard. Additionally we gave tithes and offering. We gave 10% of our gross income plus offering weekly.

Now before any of you decide to send me reminder comments I know that I preached about the tithe and offerings. So, thank you but I don’t need your reminders. Lol But, remember I told you that I share my understanding of truth as it revealed to me. I believed what I preached to you and I practiced what I preached to you. Just as I am doing now. I am sharing truth as it has been revealed me.

As I sit here now I can recall  scriptures used in instruction of the tithe and offerings. Let me just say that people did tithe to maintain the livelihood of the priest as recorded in the Old testament and it wasn’t money. However, if the bible was understood to be the history book that it is and the written revelation of Jesus Christ as shared by men the practice of tithing would have stopped.  Offerings would be as they should be a freewill offering given when and to whomever chosen. The practice and indoctrination about tithing continues inaccurately using the Old Testament only dollars are given to men and women to maintain organizations and personal households.  

When I consider all the years when there was no time because we were always at church and then to I realized we didn’t have the money to do the things that we wanted because we were giving it to a man. All the while believing we were giving it to God. For God. Now, it’s beyond laughable it’s disgusting. Disgusting to think my understanding of God was so distorted. To believe that God needs anything from me. He needs absolutely nothing from me, not praise, not obedience and not money. Man needs those things. Not God. But hear me clearly it wasn’t just about the man standing in the pulpit. It was about the man “in” me. The self righteousness man that presumed that I would or could earn God’s favor by my deeds. That through my giving God would ...then bless me. That God would rebuke the devour from my door because He sees my giving. OMG! The lies...the distortion of truth.

While the whole time my husband worked long hours doing hard physical work to give it to a man that supposedly spent his time praying and laboring to hear from God to give us a word 2 times a week. I can NOT explain to you how absolutely vile this perversion is to me. I am feeling physically ill as I am exposing it. The one day off that he had each week that was typically spent doing something for the church ministry. (men’s house/car wash) Wow! The great distortion that I believed and millions continue to believe while struggling to make ends meet however remaining faithful in their tithes and offerings so that God would help. When I consider the sacrifice expected, no commanded in the name of God that was made and how many will never recover those earning years let alone the time. What God would treat His people this way?

All the while a man using our hard earned money was living in a million dollar house, driving the newest car, wearing the best clothes, rolex, traveling the world “preaching” saving the lost, etc.. having no job but to watch over our souls. Really?   

I want to take the mystique out of revelation. Because although we say we believe God when it comes down to it we don’t. So my revelation continued when we got home much later I turned on the t.v. and began to watch the Housewives of Potomac. Two women were bantering about husbands and money. One woman said to the other divorced mother of 3, well at least my husband earned his money, you live off the the alimony your husband (a pastor of mega church) gives you that he gets from  tithe and offerings from people in his church. Now, every word stated was true. True as in fact checkable! The money from these tithing God believing people is sustaining the lavish lifestyle of his ex-wife and of course his new lifestyle without question and without consideration. Obviously they too have been indoctrinated by the same lies I believed and preached at one time.

I hear you. Adoria, are you saying that you had revelation watching the “housewives?” Yep! I sure am. God said, that He would led us and guide us in all truth. I’ve learned to believe Him. I saw a woman make an obviously true statement to anyone that can see. It’s really that simple. The truth was revealed, i.e. revelation. In my past to my detriment I couldn’t see the obvious.  I only hope that you can NO that you will see the obvious truth. Or at least you will consider it.

We continued giving but in a very different manner. It is completely based upon ability, desire and need. If we have the ability and the desire when we see a need we give. Or just because we want too. Our giving now is joyous. It is truly a blessing.  However, God has given us the greatest gift, He has given us truth and liberty! We are free!

My story, part 2

The easy beginning to part 2 would be to say... And then Jesus. It would be easy to say my entire life completely changed because of Jesus. Unfortunately, that is not true. My life did change but it changed because of my beliefs. Truth and lies have shaped my life. My beliefs has shaped my thoughts and actions. As I look back without distorted lenses I have a clear and accurate view of events. My life has continued to change as my beliefs and my understanding of God has evolved.

During a difficult time in my second year of marriage, my brother Michael came to visit. He told me that the Jesus we learned about wasn’t dead on the cross but alive. He told me I needed to accept Him and confess Him as Lord and that Jesus would come into my heart. I believed him. I trusted him. I did exactly what I was told to do. I was then informed that I was saved. My brother Michael was instrumental in my response that day because I listened to my brothers. I trusted them. I can honestly say that there isn’t any other person that I would have heard that day. Honestly, Michael didn’t say much.

However, in truth I now realize that my acceptance and acknowledgement of Jesus is futile because God is regardless of my acceptance or acknowledgement. Here’s an example: I am currently looking out the window. There are clouds in the sky. My acceptance and/or acknowledgement of them is of no consequence, they exist despite me. Just like my acceptance and acknowledgement to Jesus existence and deity is of no consequence. He is God regardless of my confession to His existence. Every person on earth is alive and breathing because of God’s existence. However, God did reveal Himself to me that day. I was at a place in my life where I wanted – no, I needed to know Him and if He was indeed real. Real meaning that He was more than that figure hanging on the cross at church, more than the heartfelt songs of His great salvation and telling of His goodness and more than words some preacher said. God revealed Himself to me inside of me through illumination. It was like a light was turned on where there was darkness. In a moment of time I knew without doubt not only was He real but that He is alive. My mind and body were aware and responsive but devoid of understanding. However, my spirit was awakened inside of me. I believe that God is in every person. Perhaps the born-again experience is the awakening of His Spirit within.

It’s imperative to say that my awakening had more to do with my readiness than God’s willingness. God is always revealing Himself. We are not always willing to recognize or acknowledge Him. We have concepts and notions within us that limit us and what we acknowledge is God. This is evidenced by the fact that we continue to practice religious activities that we are quite aware have absolutely no value other than the appeasing our ourselves.

I now understand that God knew me. He alone knows our hearts. He was aware that I was smoking weed and writing letters to Him. I know that every cry I made was heard and every question is still being answered. Still being answered because I learn and grow as I comprehend knowing that God is not withholding anything from me. I was just unaware. I was in darkness. Or rather darkness was inside of me.

God wasn’t waiting for some appointed time for me to accept Him. I believe the revelation David had of God when he said that God withholds no good thing from those that walk uprightly. David spoke of the character of God being good, not the requirement of man to behave in a certain manner to receive favor from God. When I got to the point where I truly wanted to know God, who is all and all, He revealed Himself.

Shortly after Michael’s visit, we moved to Oceanside to live near him and to be with other Christians. We started a church or at least that is what I thought we were doing at the time. If you’re interested in that part of the story you can find it by following this hyperlink tohttp://hiswordsareinred.blogspot.com/…/my-testimony-of-dark…

My Story

I used to think that when sharing about God it wasn’t necessary or beneficial to talk about myself. I thought that somehow God spoke through me as a vessel but that it was Him not me and that God’s spirit was going to move independent of me. I also believed that when I became born again my past was no longer relevant because “old things have passed away.” Acknowledging that error now in writing makes me realize how ignorant I was. Now I understand that my experiences is the only way to truthfully share my knowledge of God and my certainty of His existence. Everyone has a story. For those of you that don’t know mine here it is.

I am the youngest of five children. I loved being the baby. Actually for many years no one called me Adoria, everyone called me baby. My brother Rex still calls me baby today. I don’t mine. As the story goes I drank a bottle until 6 years old and only stopped because the glass bottle broke on the front porch one day after school. I shared this because it is insightful to my foundation.

I don’t know how old I was when our parents divorced. I have no memory of my parents ever living under the same roof. I do know it was bitter. Both of my parents remarried. A point came when our father sued our mother for custody of us. I have a vague memory of being in the courthouse. I do remember the judge putting us out of the courtroom because we were giggling. He said, this is not a laughing matter. I also remember the judge considering splitting us up, boys to our father and girls to our mother. But he said all of wanted to stay together. So, my father was awarded full custody of all of us. I don’t know what visitation rights my mother was given. I just know that once we moved to live with our father I never saw her again until after my father died. I was sixteen.

We didn’t live with our father very long before my 3 brothers were sent to live in Louisiana with our grandmother. I still don’t have the words to accurately describe the impact that had on me. I’ll just say devastated. My world changed. Children weren’t consulted about adult decisions then or even asked how we felt. I wasn’t taught how to cope. I wasn't allowed to communicate my feeling or express my thoughts. I was taught to obey. My Stepmother Wanda told me something about myself that always stuck with me. She said Adoria you’re like a rubber ball, you always bounce back. She also told me I had a twinkle in my eyes. I share those comments because those kind words helped shape me.

I was a good student even though I never went to the same school more than two years. We were a fractured family even as our family grew with two younger sisters. I have no blame for anyone. I believe everyone was doing the best that they could with what they knew. I knew without question that our father loved all of us. His personality could fill a room.

After a few years our brothers came home. The day they got home I was standing in the kitchen near the counter top. I vividly remember seeing three giants walking into the house. When they left they were boys now they were men. 6’4, 6’3 and 6’10 men. I was frozen. I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know what to do or say. My daddy told me to kiss my brothers so I did. It was awkward at first but slowly we all reconnected.

A year later my sister Eva and I were sent to live in Louisiana with our grandmother. Eva wanted to go. I didn’t. My brother Michael had warned me that he overheard a conversation that we would be staying there. I was scared and unable to say how I felt. My only saving grace was Eva would be with me. I remember being at the train station in Los Angeles and looking at my little sister Inga. She was my heart. I didn’t know how to say goodbye to her. She looked so lost. No one had the words. Eva and I took the train alone to Louisiana. I was 14 Eva was 16.

The culture shock of Louisiana from Los Angeles is another story, but we had lots of family. I have wonderful memories of my time there after I adjusted. I loved school and excelled. Eva graduated and moved back to California. I was alone. It was very hard for me. I missed my family terribly. The following summer I found my voice and asked if I could go home for the summer. They said yes. It was a strange time. I was happy to see my younger sisters, but my older siblings were all grown and living on their own. I now (while writing this) realize I didn’t see any of my siblings that summer. My parents were now separated. When my father took me to the airport to return to Louisiana I didn’t know that was the last time I would see him. I remember his bear-hug embrace. I remember him telling me he loved me and that he was proud of me. Two weeks later coming home from volleyball practice I was informed he was dead. He was 43 years old.

All of my older siblings came to Louisiana for our father's funeral. I remember at the wake standing there looking at our father’s body with two of my big brothers flanking me on either side. A old woman said, “kiss your daddy.” I was scared. My brother Rex spoke up for me and said, no. Then my brother Michael told me that daddy wasn’t there, that was just his tent. I remember when we sat in the church together Michael sat in the middle of us and stretched out his long arms. He held Butch and Rex on one side and Eva and I on the other side. They only stayed two days and I was alone again. As you can imagine it was a horrible time of uncertainty, confusion and grief.

The next several years are a blur of crisscrossing across the country. I had no direction. No one telling me what to do. You know how you find yourself in circumstances and someone asks you, what were you thinking but you have no answer? Well, the answer is I wasn’t thinking. That is the only way to describe my life after my father's death. I wasn’t thinking. I couldn't. I didn't know how. All of sudden people were asking me questions about what I wanted. How was I supposed to know what I wanted? I had never been asked. The ability to determine what I wanted had never been cultivated in me. I wasn’t taught how to think I was taught how to obey. That might sound odd but it’s true. It’s my truth. I had a void a big gaping hole inside of me.

Life went on. I continued to function. I graduated with honors. I moved a lot. Then I had a child that forced me to settle geographically. I worked, I partied, I made money. I met Donnie and I got married. I matured in functioning in life and was somewhat successful. However, at the core of me the heart of who I am was desolate. I was painfully aware of vacuum within me. And then....

My story, Part 2 coming soon...

Peace be with you all today....

There are many books about grief. There are many books about life. But it seems dying is a subject that most would choose to deal with only as necessary. As a teenage girl I remember my Maw-Maw telling me her specific desires for her passing. Literally the moment she began to express her wishes I stopped her saying don’t talk about that. In my young mind I thought she was being morbid. My youth couldn’t understand her expressed knowledge of the inevitable. I regret not listening mostly because I could have learned how one walks through life knowing that it will lead to death.

We tell ourselves many things to cope with our impending demise. Many use various beliefs to comfort themselves. Today I choose to not address the inaccuracy of some of these faiths. Instead I want to share how I’ve chosen to deal with death. Having lost a parent as a girl of 16 I learned early on that life on earth doesn’t last forever. Life can end abruptly without notice. Life can end slowly and sometimes painfully. However, we never seem prepared for death regardless of how it comes.

I deal with death in how I live daily. I attempt to be present and mindful that my interactions are reflective of my true feelings. I tell those that I love that I do and I do it often. I ask myself continuously throughout my interactions can you live with yourself in peace if this is your last time seeing/speaking with that person. The simple golden rule, “treat others the way you want to be treated” is a bit deeper to me. I can treat someone appropriately while hiding how I really feel. I would not be at peace with myself even if the person walked away unaware. For me self examination and truth lead to understanding and acknowledgement. Through acknowledgement I can change as necessary to have peace.   

I’ve grown to a place where my love, care or consideration given doesn’t need to be reciprocated. My walk is not about or for others. It’s about me. It’s not about what a good Christian I am or what is required of me. I am not trying to be an example of Christ. I live because God lives in me and His love is shed abroad in my heart.

I feel no obligation to say what is expected, accepted or polite to ease the uncomfortable subject of death. Ultimately truth is what makes us free. Without liberty there is no peace regardless of what we tell ourselves. Therefore I despise the ungenuine antics of religion and misplaced conformity.

I told my best friend that when I die not to allow people to tell my children how much they loved me when they refuse to acknowledge my presence while I was alive. She said, you’ll be dead the funeral is for the living not dead. Of course she’s right. Life is for the living. We should be mindful of how we live so that when (not if) we encounter death we can continue living in peace.

Peace be with you all today.

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.”

― Shannon L. Alder

It really is a matter of perspective.....

Have you ever considered why people can share a common experience and walk away with completely different views? Perhaps it’s because we all have our own perspective which is simply a point of view. And our perspective is shaped by our individual experiences.

In this journey called life we all experience births and deaths, new beginnings and endings, times of change and stagnancy, acceptance and rejection, successes and failures. Each with perspective based upon our experience with these events of life. Positive and negative.

Therefore, it seems impossible that we could understand someone’s perspective without a respectful dialogue which includes listening to each other’s point of view. Most happily married for a long time tend to have honed this skill as well as some of the most successful people. These not only recognize other's perspective they admire and perhaps cherish it.

It’s not necessarily those that have similar perspectives that I learn the most from. In fact it can be the direct opposite. I don’t need to walk in another one’s shoes to understand their point of view. I can listen and find the commonality of life’s experiences that bind us and find empathy.

A true test of the heart...RE Post!

Initially I found it daunting to embrace the truth that the bible is not the word of God. Although I desire above all else to know truth and search for it continuously I found that acknowledging, embracing and then walking in this truth proved to be more challenging than I imagined. (Truth is suppose to set us free, right?)   

Let me explain. A man did not speak this truth to me. I didn’t hear a sermon, watch a video or a television show. I didn’t read an article.  It was revealed to me by the Holy Spirit as I sat alone in my home contemplating the words of John the beloved.  Honestly it was over a period of time because I refused to acknowledge the truth of what was being revealed. I had a struggle within my mind between what I had been taught and believed and what was being quietly made known.  I had great trepidation in not only embracing this revelation contrary to what I believed was truth but in comprehending what had been revealed and then communicating it. In part because I hadn’t heard anyone say what I now know was not only true but obvious. The bible is NOT the word of God.  Isn’t it Interesting, we all say we want God to reveal Himself to us, to lead us and guide us. However, when He does and it is not what we know or that which we have ever heard a man say before, the true test of our heart is at hand.

I have experienced therefore testify first hand the harm following man can cause. One of the many lies I believed was that God had put men and women as i.e, pastors, bishops etc, in His body for leadership, guidance and our protection. (I participated).  Therefore to be led by God without a man was absolutely foreign to me. As evidenced by my leariness in being led by God in that which I heard no other man say.  And yet I know that to be led by God without a man is and has been the will of God from the beginning of what we know of God, correct? However, regardless of what I said I knew and believed, I lived according to the traditions I was taught. Perhaps you do the same. This is one of the very reasons I present truth to you with hope that God Himself will reveal the validity of my words to you. I never want to shame, belittle or berate you for that which you don’t know, have yet to embrace or for that which has not been revealed to you.  This approach is also is new to me and taught to me by God and not man. I have learned that regardless of what men/women think, we do not have the power to make anyone receive truth. We can only share our testimony (that which we can testify to, as in a court of law) but God only can reveal Himself to us.

Consider this. The bible is written by men. It is documentation of various men and women and their lives on the earth. It chronicles their dreams, visions, prayers, wisdom, vanity, victories, defeats, triumphs, prophesies and promises. It describes humanity and deity. It records the fulfillment of every promise God gave to mankind in the person of Jesus Christ. From His birth to His death and resurrection. All for the purpose that we would believe. Yet, what we have learned to believe “in” is not the one He willed to reveal. Jesus. We believe, hope and have faith in the actual words that are written to reveal God. Not in God. In doing this, God revealed to me, that we have made the bible itself our god.

Jesus revealed Himself to people throughout the bible in a manner in which they could understand. He spoke to fishermen about fishing, farmers about farming, potters about clay and shepherds about sheep and barns and that which had meaning and relevance to them. Today because Jesus said He is the great Shepherd we learn about sheep so we can attempt to understand a scenario that is truly unfamiliar to us while failing to realize that Jesus reveals Himself to us continuously. However we fail to recognize and know Him because we have confined our minds to our knowledge through teachings of the scriptures.

Trust me when I say I understand the apprehension in accepting my words. Even though I know they ring true inside of you and they make sense to your mind. Acceptance would require actual individual and independent thought. Ex: If I were to believe this I would truly have to walk in faith of a God I do not see. I would truly have to be led by God’s Spirit and believe that He will guide me into truth. I would have to come into knowledge of this Jesus whom I say is my Lord. He would have to reveal Himself to me without a man/woman preaching or teaching me.

Just the thought of what I’m proposing is exhilarating and paralyzing at the same time. That we would 
know God. Each of us from the least of us to the greatness of us. No one having need to say to his brother, know the Lord.  Wow! I know, this truth has become my life. He has become my life. Someone said, be careful what you ask for. Well, I searched for truth and I have begun to find it. There have been times when I’ve wanted to ignore what I know and go sit in some building and go through all the antics I used to participate in. There is comfort in doing what you know. There is solace in the familiar. There is a perverse benefit in allowing someone else to be responsible for your journey. And there is a sense of power in numbers. Then I come to my senses and remind myself of the liberty God has given me in Him. And I remind myself of the bondage and uselessness in those practices. Regardless of how it may feel for a moment it fails to have the ability to produce what it can not, life. Life is only in Christ Jesus. I truly want to know and understand all that God has purposed for us in giving His Son Jesus. Don’t you?


Because of my own experiences with the teachings from men.  I remained silent for many years for fear of leading anyone astray. Not to mention the conflict of truth with the doctrines requiring submission  to some man so that I would not go astray. I considered so many that have gone on another way. Then I considered Jesus and decided to believe Him. Not only in my words but as He is in me, I am in Him, to walk and continue to be led by Him. To learn of Him as He reveals Himself. Truthfully the walk can be lonely but I am never alone. The Word Jesus abides in me.

I hope my words have stirred you to think and perhaps examine your own self. I encourage you to read the two previous blogs on this topic if you haven’t. I think you will find them helpful. You can also read or watch other blogs and you will clearly see the progression of my journey.  God is good and it is my joy and commission to share my knowledge of Him with you.