Just a feeling...

Today for whatever reason I woke up with something inside of me feeling…. just a feeling. Feeling aware. Aware of the fragility of life, aware of me and aware of the reality of my capabilities and limitations. Truth staring me in the face. I have to accept the inevitable! It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I don’t know how to! I have to continue to learn. My first impulse was to call my friend and confidant Mae who has more wisdom than anyone I know. I didn’t. I contemplated calling my mother for a moment and decided not too. Donnie is home so I started to bare my soul to him but reconsidered. Then the phone rang and I could have shared my feelings with my trusted brother but again decided against it. No, not now I thought this is a time for God to reveal me to me. To lead me and guide me.

I’ve learned in recent years the reality of God. The words that He spoke when He walked on the earth are no longer promises that I cling to in times of trouble or uncertainty or even joy. I don’t have a need to put my eyes on words on a page to remind myself of His great faithfulness. I don’t rehearse words again and again to build my faith. In truth I don’t need faith anymore because now I know. It’s an overwhelming feeling inside of me to know the truth. To understand what is and is not possible. To admit to myself and others that I know God. He is not a mystery to me any longer. And I am grateful even though as I proclaim this truth my eyes are filled with tears and my throat has a lump in it. Paul’s words to the Hebrews has happened in me. I no longer need someone to teach me to know the Lord. I know Him.

I often think that perhaps the reason many continue in the path that they do is because there is a comfort in believing something outside of yourself greater than you is going to save you from whatever. There is solace in believing that everything happens for a reason regardless of behaviors or outcomes. It’s easier to believe God has some greater plan in mind that He has failed to allow us to know. It’s easier to do the same things repeatedly and ignore that the same results occur. It’s so much easier to default to one sentence in a book of words, “his ways and thoughts are higher than ours” and rely on them then acknowledge the truth. These beliefs are simply not true.

I saw a simple profound sentence yesterday that spoke volumes to me. “Life is difficult”. I considered the words and acknowledged their truth. Life is difficult. Then I began to question myself about why that seemed so profound to me it’s simple enough. As God inside of me began to reveal why. All I have to do is but ask and before I utter He answers me. The reason is, I believed all that stuff I just wrote about in the paragraph above. And because of it I believed my experience in life was supposed to be different. I wasn’t supposed to experience the hardships that unbelievers experience and the sufferings that I did experience regardless of cause were to perfect Christ in me. These lies and deceptions held me as a captive prisoner. A prisoner to a man to teach me, a prisoner to self imposed punishment for never achieving enough faith to change my circumstances and others and a prisoner to my own self-righteousness. The self-righteousness is probably the hardest part to come to terms with in hindsight. Taking sentences from the bible and using them as a skilled surgeon to keep my self-righteousness intact. I am not being self-deprecating nor humble. I am being honest not only for the purpose of exposing myself but that you might see yourself in my reflection. Liberty in Christ has afforded me transparency. I have nothing to hide.

I used to desire that truth felt differently. I liked the way I felt when I believed lies. Sad but true. There was a certain blissful state that I was taught to live in. Even when life was difficult I immediately told myself to think of my great reward in heaven. Instead of understanding I have the reward right now. Because He lives I live.

I’ve gained wisdom and perspective and understanding to the reality that each of us is making our own life choices. And each of us are living with the outcomes of those choices while residing in a world that we can not control regardless of prayer, hope and faith. The truth is life is difficult. I encourage you to make your choices thoughtfully, seriously and with sincerity. Interestingly enough the only one that we ever actually fool is ourselves.